The Derby & Joan Club Riot
Sitting in this cell
with deep regret
after a night
I will never forget.
With thirty others
pensioners one and all
our night of excitement
the yearly Derby & Joan Club ball.
Arrived at seven
Me and the wife
looking for laughter
all we got was strife.
All started happily
everyone was on form
Apple punch flowed freely
as was generally the norm.
However, jealousies were evident
between some of the wives
How a few single men
could cause such a surprise.
Old Mrs Bailey, a vicious old hag
not nice at all, looks long lost
got upset at remarks made
so revenge at all cost.
Put Gin in the punch
with Vodka & Wine
suddenly lots of laughter
this was not a very good sign.
music was playing
Dance floor was full
women swirling, dresses full blown
the men just on the pull.
Old Mrs Brown, not used to strong drink
flailing about as the light flickers
let it all hang out, she was having a ball
fell on her arse, showing her bright red knickers
A scream from the bandstand
come help me please
old Mrs Riley
was down on her knees
The drink had awoken
desires long forgotten
tried to debag the singer
oh dear! How rotten.
Old Mrs Smith, revenge on her mind
picked up a custard pie, she had spied with one eye
spotting Mr Davies
taking good aim, she let it fly.
He ducked saw it coming
the vicar not so fast
caught it smack in the face
all there were aghast.
A punch up ensued
I couldn’t believe my eyes
all these demure old ladies
throwing around these pies.
Fisticuffs abounded
all were involved it strived
someone dialled 999
the police then arrived.
The total disbelief
on Sergeant Brown’s face
women were fighting
all over the place.
Chuck them in the wagon
he yelled with great force
off to the cells, we’ll arrest them all
the Judge can deal with it as a matter of course.
On Sunday the vicar
a bit worse for wear
went to his pulpit
high in the air.
The disgusting behaviour
at the Derby & Joan
had caused him concern
and boy did he moan.
The Duck That Couldn’t Swim
Watching by the river’s edge one morning
bright and early, up at dawning
a female duck came waddling past
with babies one to eight in tow quite fast
Into the water she did go
little ones followed in a row
until it got to number eight
who got to the edge and stopped to wait.
Mother stopped and looked around
last baby making quacking sound
come on in she did imply
Baby shook his head as if to say why.
Brothers and sisters looked amazed
as brother on bank just sat and gazed
at the water, not impressed
had no intention of being pressed.
Into the water as mother wanted
this was one request, not to be granted
dipped his foot into the water deep
into this, don’t think I’ll creep.
I looked on bewildered and amused
to see a duck so unenthused
not intending to do as he was told
though so small but yet so bold.
Back came mother and a chase ensued
along the riverbank I was bemused
to see this duck in hot pursuit
of her baby, who looked so cute.
Once caught mum grabbed him by the neck
looked to say you will by heck
come into the water with all of us now
no time to waste, learn to swim somehow.
Into the water the duck now went
full of parental good intent
put her chick onto the water who suddenly reared
went up went down and disappeared.
Panic-stricken mum dived down
grabbed her son who was about to drown
he was panicking flapping wings
and suddenly began to swim.
Off he went across the water fast
Mum and remainder followed at last
down the river they all swam
out of sight down to the dam.
I walked off slightly mystified
to see a duck that nearly died
but all was well, it ended fine
they all swam off, all in a line.